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Losing the muse

2010-09-13T22:26:00.002-05:00

I came here
with an
idea

But it must
have run
away

Gone somewhere
where all ideas
go to expire
and fade
until

One day, probably soon
I will forget that I ever
even had an idea to
write down for all
of you in the
first place.

Mutual.

2010-07-28T12:14:00.002-05:00

The nicest words
on any human's ears:
I know what you mean.
I understand.
when spoken in the most sincere way.
Isn't that what we all want?
Someone who we don't feel the need to explain ourselves to?
Someone who just
gets it.
In their eyes you can just see it.
When you're pouring your heart out to them
and something in them just clicks.
"Yeah, I know exactly what you mean."
It's such a relief.
To know that you aren't alone.
To know that you're not crazy.
To know that, no matter how far away they are,
no matter how different their life is,
in the end, we're all just people;
some of us just understand each other
better than others.

Post number 100.

2010-07-12T18:40:00.003-05:00

My 100th post is just going to say this:

I have flaws, I have weaknesses, and sometimes I forget that we're all just human and no one is perfect. Even the people who we want to be perfect. In spite of my imperfections, I am still a happy, loving, and passionate person. I like to think that my good qualities outweigh my bad. Or maybe I'm just blessed to have so many people in my life who love me enough to overlook my little weird quirks for the most part. For that, I am truly thankful. I'm so incredibly lucky to have the family that I have. I've lived a rather sheltered life. It wasn't until very recently that I realized that very few people have what I've always known and taken for granted. I know that no matter what I do or where I go, my family will always love me and support me. They might have to beat some sense into me, but that just comes with the territory. I have a home to live in, food to eat, clothes to wear, and a car to drive. My education is entirely paid for, as long as I work hard. I know that I can do just about anything I set my mind to, and I'm not afraid to try, because I know there are people who will catch me if I fall. I'm not in a hurry to find someone to love me because my whole life is full of love. I know the right person will come along at the right time, when we're both ready, and until then I'm just enjoying this tail-end of my childhood. I'm going to travel the world and I'm going to meet amazing people and make friends from all around the globe. And nothing is going to stop me.

It's amazing how one person can change your outlook on things.

2010-07-06T20:40:00.001-05:00

Thank you. You might not ever know how much I needed a friend like you right now. I'm so glad we met.

I know running isn't the answer.

2010-06-23T13:55:00.002-05:00

I ran for two years and just recently it all caught up with me. It's not pretty.

But right now, more than anything, I just want to leave. Just to get away from this place where people already have in their mind a preconceived notion of who I am, and how I am. They don't have a clue. Even when I just get away for a little while it's so refreshing to meet people and not have this whole thing hanging over my head. They take me for me, not what I was or what I have been or even what they think I have been.

I'm ready for August 21st. So ready.

Maybe it's because I went outside the minute I woke up.

2010-06-23T11:35:00.002-05:00

Maybe it's because I just got some stuff off my chest last night.

Maybe it's because I let go of a lot of hard feelings and also realized that some friendships and relationships were just going nowhere, and came to grips with that sad fact.

Or maybe, just maybe, it's because I think I finally, finally, truly realized that I am not a bad person, and that I will be okay, no matter what gets thrown at me.

I'm tired of feeling like I'm a bad person for having feelings.

2010-06-23T11:30:00.001-05:00

You know what? I just disagree with some of your opinions. Does that mean I don't love you? Not at all. I love you more than you'll ever know. But just because you can't understand why I get jealous and hurt doesn't mean that it's wrong for me to feel those things. So I'm just going to continue to be happy with me, and I will continue to be the NICE person that I am. You never tell me that I'm not nice but somehow my mind twists things that you say to make me think that you think I'm not a nice person. Well, you know what? My whole life, people have told me what a nice person I was. And I am choosing right now to believe them instead of those weird vibes I get from you sometimes.

As much as I love you, and always will, I'm sure, I need to stop worrying so much about your needs and ignoring my own. I mean, this whole thing is one-sided anyway. I can't change your feelings. I've done everything I can - you know exactly how I feel. It's time for me to just let things go however they will. I'll gladly be your friend, the best you've ever had. You can't worry about hurting me, because that's just part of life. I've accepted it - people hurt sometimes. Just because I'm hurting doesn't mean I can't be happy. I'm alive, I'm breathing, I have wonderful family and friends - so what if my heart's a little bruised? Something will work out in the end.

So basically, this is to say - I'm okay.

The magic of a summer night.

2010-06-14T20:44:00.002-05:00

When you're lying flat on your back in the itchy scratchy but somehow still soft and comfortable grass, and the night sky stretches up above you so far and covers you like a dome, like a giant cake dome, and even though you know those stars so bright are millions and millions of lightyears away, you just feel like you could reach right up and pull one straight out of the sky. And you don't hear anything but the frogs and the cicadas and the katydids and crickets and the occasional car on the distant highway, or maybe a plane soaring far overhead. And you just feel so tiny, but not an insignificant kind of tiny. The kind of tiny that makes you feel like all the stress and strife of everyday life really doesn't make that much difference. The kind of tiny that makes you feel connected to the very earth, and to everything else on it. The bugs, the trees, the grass, the water. And you close your eyes, and for once, you feel like maybe, just maybe, everything really will work out okay.

My stupid mouth.

2010-06-07T10:24:00.001-05:00

Has got me in trouble again.

I'm never speaking up again, it only hurts me.

Tomorrow.

2010-06-05T21:30:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow morning I get to see you.
Sunday mornings are my favorite time of the week.
If I'm lucky I get well over an hour with you, and music.
The one thing that we will never, ever disagree about.
And I can pretend, for just a little while, that this is how it will always be.

Why do I love you so much?

2010-06-05T00:50:00.002-05:00

It can't be that your eyes are always smiling, even when your mouth isn't.
It can't be that you have the cutest dimple ever.
It can't be that a hug from you makes me feel so special and loved that I never want to let go.
It can't be that I could talk to you for hours about the most nonsensical topics and never be bored.
It certainly can't be that you are the one person who has fully understood me, on every level.

Why can I not say what I want to say?

2010-06-05T00:32:00.002-05:00

For once
in my life

I am totally, utterly, and completely

speechless.

It's getting harder and harder to bite my tongue. Soon I'm going to have to say it.

2010-06-04T23:27:00.004-05:00

Right now you're making me smile.
And the tears are fighting to spill over
like a river bursting through the dam that has held it back
too, too long.
Why not me?
I know why it wasn't me then.
I agree, entirely.
But now, now, now.
This is now.
I am the same, but different. The same good.
I lost the bad.
It was a painful process, like snipping off the blooms on a plant so that newer, brighter, bigger, better ones can grow.
And though I always told myself and everyone else that I was moving on, that I wasn't concerned with you anymore...
I knew all along, in my heart, you were it.
The one constant.
How many times have I come this close to saying it.

I love you.

Resolve.

2010-05-15T23:01:00.002-05:00

Free is me
And I am free.
There's nothing that I cannot be.
Give it time, just wait and see.

Win or lose,
Free to choose.
You'll never catch me with the blues.
My world is all in rosy hues.

Songs I play
Things I say
Carry me from day to day
I know I'm gonna be okay.

If you can't handle this by now
If what I am's not to your taste
I'll carry on, without a doubt
And someone else's time I'll waste

:)

2010-04-29T08:28:00.002-05:00

The sun is up, the sky is blue
And you are all I see
The way I feel for only you
It's overtaking me
Say the word, and set me free

So many words inside
Dying to see the light
I've tried my best to move along
But I can't win this fight

You need a friend, and I am here
The least that I can do
But friendship, in the end, I fear,
Is all I'll get from you
What am I supposed to do?

So many lies you live
They take all you can give
Don't you know I understand
The chaos you live with?

Give me your heart and you won't regret it
I'll be here forever, don't you forget it.

Am I even worth the risk?

2010-04-28T21:46:00.004-05:00

He doesn't know that he still holds my heart
After all this time
A smile on his lips can tear me apart
But only on the inside
And I'm paralyzed in the blue of his eyes
Whenever his glance tries mine on for size
In every dream I touch his face
Fold comfortably into the familiar embrace
But dreams are dreams and I must awake
Only your friend
Your only friend
When will this nightmare of my life end?
There cannot be another way
We're just two halves of a whole
Two bodies sharing one soul
Will you voice what I want to say?
It's all under your control
With a word you could turn me away
But listen carefully when I say
I may not love you like I should
I might not treat you as good as another
Just remember all this time
I stood by your side
When you needed a listening ear
Who was always here?
I've tried my best to be what you need
Would it hurt you at all to be that for me?

I love you. I grew up, I changed, I learned from my terrible, terrible mistakes. I'm really glad we're friends, and I'm glad you trust me enough to open up and tell me things that I'm pretty sure you don't tell anyone else. But don't you see? I've fallen for you again. It's not even like last time, because we're both different people. I want a chance to show you that I can love you like you deserve. You already know we can have so much fun together and we have so much in common. I just have a very strong gut feeling that there is something much bigger and better than the friendship we already have, and the relationship we had before. And if it's bigger and better than those then it has to be earth shaking. I'm asking for a chance. I don't know when, or even if, I'll ever have the courage to speak this to you, but I know that, as well as you know me, you have at least some idea of everything that's going on behind the smiles and the oh-I'm-fine's. I guess I'm posting this in the hopes that somehow you'll run across it and then you'll know.

2010-04-28T14:20:00.002-05:00

i can live without you
and i can be happy without you
i'm perfectly able to be on my own
and i don't even mind being alone

if you never need me
my life could be easy
no one to worry about but me
no holding back, completely free

you know exactly how i feel
the love i have for you is real
and yeah, it's true, i can live without you
but honestly, why would i want to?

words i want to say

2010-04-27T09:59:00.003-05:00

the words you say for only me
the broken parts that no one sees
how in the world will i make you believe
i know i can be what you need

the tears that never leave your eyes
the ancient soul so young but wise
my love would take you by surprise
my love could set you free

don't ever let them tell you no
how to think, or where to go
let the things you don't need go
and learn to let it be

your brilliant smile and eyes of blue
the only love i ever knew
there really is no one like you
will you ever see?
i know it's meant to be.

Love, love, love.

2010-04-02T21:13:00.003-05:00

People always try to say "You're too young to know what real love is." Well, I think there's just more to it than that. I'll admit that a lot of young people who claim "love" have no idea what they're talking about. However, there are exceptions. Maybe they're eight, maybe they're twelve, maybe they're fifteen. And they meet that special person. Or maybe they've always known them. Maybe they "date". Maybe they're just really close friends. But there is obviously something there. It's like those days in early spring, when it's sunny and warm, but not quite warm enough to wear summer clothes just yet. But you put on your shorts and tank top and flip flops anyway because you just can't stand to wait any longer. Naturally, you end up regretting it, but those few moments when the sun is shining on you and the wind stops blowing and you taste the summer to come almost make up for it. That's what young love is. You see what might be, could be, in the future, and you go ahead and dive in before you're really ready. And so you end up with some bitterness and heartache, but there are also moments of inexplicable beauty and joy that make you realize just how grand and adventurous love can be.

You're never too young to love. Young love is pure love. Young love is love without constraints, without reservations, without baggage.

And it's true, what they say about your first love. There will always be a place for them in your heart.

Trust me, at the ripe old age of eighteen (ha ha), I know.

Here Comes The Sun (or, I Am Sick And Tired Of Winter)

2010-03-01T21:15:00.003-06:00

the morning light soaks through my closed eyelids
it is warm, yellow, and gently persuasive
"wake up, wake up," it persists, "it's a new day."
slowly, deliberately, i oblige.
heavy eyelids raise and i'm dazzled by the brilliance
the light streams through the windowpane and dances around me
then settles on my skin in a loving embrace.
saturated in sunlight and full of summer oxygen
i rise languidly, stretch luxuriously,
feet on the ground, head in the clouds
and smile at the day to come.

I used to write things like this a lot, but I've kind of abandoned it. I forgot how enjoyable it is. Descriptive writing FTW :)

hope is a thing with...red hair?

2010-02-21T17:19:00.003-06:00

i've only just met you;
him, i've known for years.
you make me laugh easily,
he's seen all my tears.
this might not go anywhere,
but i don't mind.
it's really all over,
i'm starting to find.

what i like most about you
is the hope that you give;
you remind me that my life
isn't even half-lived.
there's so much more out there
than what i know now;
deep down i've known that,
but you show me how

to embrace what's to come
and move on from the past;
even the best things
don't always last.
and you don't even know
the hope that you gave.
you probably won't,
and that's okay.

14 February

2010-02-14T13:55:00.002-06:00

You are happy.
Happy enough, I suppose.
Maybe it's just wishful thinking,
but I feel like I'm seeing through
a screen.
So it seems.

But if you want to be happy
where you are,
that's enough for me.
I just
need
to know.

Sonnet on optimism and love.

2010-02-09T23:56:00.002-06:00

Hope is not a thing that reason feeds
There is no logic in the optimist
The slightest push is all the dreamer needs
And all at once they're happy in sweet bliss
Some might suggest my head is in the clouds
And some would try to talk me into sense
But life's a song best sung aloud and proud
And who knows what's outside the backyard fence?
Yes, even when the hope is rather small
I will not stop to gather second thoughts
Surrendering myself to the free fall
For isn't this the price at which love's bought?
But if my heart must break, I know it's true
I'd only trust the solemn deed to you.

11:43 PM

2010-02-09T23:43:00.002-06:00

Where is he?
My Mr. Knightley, my Colonel Brandon, my Mr. Darcy?
(My three favorites, by the way.
A girl like me
needs a good combination of the three.)

I think I know him.
I'm afraid I know him.
I want so badly to know that he
is who I think he is.
(Patience
is not my strong point.)

Where are you?
I need you.
I miss you.
You know me,
you see me
for what I am.
You are
my friend.
Truly.
I cannot speak this
aloud. Not to you.

I will not ruin
what I have worked
and waited
for.

And so you will stay
in the dark.
(Or are you?
I can't help but suspect
that you know exactly
what I'm really thinking
every time you ask,
"What's wrong?"
and I answer,
"Nothing.")

It's 11:54 PM.

One day,
I will tell you.

2010-02-09T15:07:00.002-06:00

it's taken so long
to get here
saying something would just be wrong
or so i fear

so my silence endures
but my patience is thinning
and now i'm quite sure
this is just the beginning

you're one of the best
do you know that?
you know more than the rest;
you know that.

so i'm wondering this:
could you possibly not know?
or is ignorance bliss?
should i go ahead and let it go?

"Why you eyeballin' me?"

2010-02-08T23:21:00.003-06:00

You: What's wrong?

breathe in
how to begin?
my head starts to spin

breathe out
i'm having doubts
chickening out

breathe in
my patience is thin
but i'll never win

breathe out
will you ever find out
what this is about?

Me: Nothing's wrong. Nothing.

Divine Masterpiece

2010-01-07T18:40:00.002-06:00

I'm wonderfully made, but sometimes I forget
My life is a canvas, the paint's still wet
Room for mistakes, to learn, to grow
But the Painter's hand never falters, I know

As I'm watching the masterpiece grow and unfold
I know that my story's still mostly untold
And the picture I see is a tiny part
Of the bigger, more beautiful work of art

The Artist keeps painting, though I stumble and break
He guides me through every slip and mistake
Someday this masterpiece, telling my story
Will shine on to others, reflecting His glory.

games we play.

2009-12-03T21:25:00.003-06:00

i'm just getting tired of the same old game
no matter who with, it's always the same
let's talk real sweet and smile and blush
get a little bit high off the romantic rush
and then, instead of giving us a chance
you'll just disappear, without a backward glance
i guess i'm not even worth a goodbye
it's not just you. happens every time.
and i've done this before, so i know your next move
it may be months, but then i'll hear from you
you'll try to pick up right where you left me
wander back in like i'm just sitting around, waiting
i've played that game too, so don't make excuses
i'm not playing for keeps, and you all have your uses
but i'm honest about it, or at least i try
and besides, in the end, i'm the one left to cry.

Ringo is my favorite Beatle.

2009-10-11T22:09:00.002-05:00

Why, you ask? Because, well, just look:

Have you ever seen a more loveable face? So adorable.

2009-09-27T00:29:00.002-05:00

hush, don't speak
they're trying to hear
so quietly keep
your secrets deep
within your soul
are you under their control?
have you lost your will?
are you still
your own?
or are you playing their game?
treating them to the same
twist of the arm
deceiving charm
what's the harm?
the longer you play
the longer you'll stay
and one day
you become what you hate.

2009-09-27T00:05:00.003-05:00

there's a dream in my head
and a soul within me
there's so much to be said
but the words just seem empty

there's music in my fingers
and a love in my heart
there's a joy that still lingers
even after we part

there's beauty in my face
but more in my being
there's a longing to be chased
and a hope i'm not dreaming

there's a truth to be spoken
though perhaps not by voice
there's a heart that's wide open
when you make your choice.

still fighting it

2009-09-09T08:37:00.003-05:00

opening chords
familiar lyrics
and i'm little again

back to when the song
was just a song
and i didn't think
about what it means

now i can't help
but take it all in
and it hits me
now i understand

we've grown apart
but no matter what
there's a place in my heart
for that girl who was my best friend

and i think that maybe
you might know me better
even though it's been years
since i've even trusted you.

everyone knows, it sucks to grow up, but everyone does, it's so weird to be back here

Where I'm From

2009-09-04T08:55:00.002-05:00

I am from a weathered white trunk, from chocolate gravy and biscuits and a cold glass of milk.

I am from eight different houses, where home is defined not by the rooms but by the people in them.

I am from the hardwoods and the pines, the leaves and needles and branches.

I am from farmers and storekeepers, from Halls and Fraziers and Nana and Papa, and Ma Ma and Pa Pa.

I am from the hard workers and the loud singers.

From fear of armadillos and reading road signs aloud until everyone wanted me to stop.

I am from God-fearing, saved by grace Christians in a home full of the evidence of His love.

I'm from the foothills of Arkansas, for generations, from chicken and dumplings and fresh corn on the cob.

From a Papa who gave me a love of history and travel, a Nana who gave me the gift of laughter, a Ma Ma who showed me the blessing of family, and generations on both sides who gave me the music that fills my soul.

I am from the stitches in old quilts, a chimney standing in an overgrown thicket, a cool, muddy creek, and a red barn, and my heritage is everything to me.

This was an exercise we did in my English class, and I really liked the way mine turned out.

Have you got a story to tell?

2009-08-31T08:57:00.002-05:00

I'm at school, sitting in yearbook class. Listening to a CD made for me by my best friend. It's just nice to listen to it and think that the songs were picked out and arranged with me in mind. And I love how it has a good mix of songs I already love and songs that I hadn't heard before, but now love. After all, she knows me well, so of course she can pick out music for me. It's just all so lovely.

Maybe it's just because music is pretty much my life, and maybe it's because I love my bff, but I really think this might be the nicest gift I've ever gotten. Also, it was a "just because" kind of thing...not my birthday or Christmas or anything, but just because she felt like doing it. So every time I listen to this CD, I think of my best friend, and I'm so happy that she is who she is.

Love you, Paige <3

Ha. So there. :P

2009-08-23T21:24:00.002-05:00

Don't you even try
To make me stay inside
Your perfect little lines
I'm not falling for it
Not this time

The picture that you see
Of what I need to be
Isn't even close to me
I'm nothing that you want
Get to know me, you'd agree

I'm stronger than I look
My mind's an open book
Your perfect world I shook
But if I want to
I can keep you hooked

So if it's love or hate
You won't change my fate
I'm not something to create
But you'll miss me, dear
Just a little too late.

The unknown.

2009-08-10T11:00:00.005-05:00

Here I am
On the brink of the end
The end of the beginning

Everything
I've ever known
Is winding to a close

These faces
I've come to know
We've been through so much

Here we are
Together once more
The last time like this

Make it good
Don't waste a second
Memories will last forever

But please

Remember

Don't be sad
When it's over
It's not a time for tears

Sure, it's true
It's pretty uncertain
We've all got our hopes and fears

But if we knew
Where life would take us
Well that wouldn't be much fun

Follow those dreams
Because I know you have them
Don't let anyone bring you down

And when life is hard
I know you'll be fine
You're all pretty tough, I would say

Just remember
Even when you're not sure
Exactly where life is going

It's alright
Embrace the excitement
The adventure is in the not knowing.

2009-07-02T01:35:00.002-05:00

a costume
a couch
a t-shirt
a haircut

smiling from the screen
earlier versions of me
am i even the same girl now?

so many pictures
just a few faces
i know who i can count on
they've been around a while

so here's to the new ones
complete with bad haircuts
inside jokes
silly faces
and lots of love.

:)

<3

a plea.

2009-07-01T10:47:00.003-05:00

this life
isn't easy for us

those of us
who see things our own way
and we can't stay
inside these lines

hiding from our demons
at the bottom of a bottle
disguising ourselves
in a cloud of smoke

i see the haunting in your eyes.
i know the truth in all your lies.
your soul is worn and full of hate.
please turn around before it gets too late.

if you can't do it for you
if you don't care about yourself enough
can't you do it for me?
is that asking too much?

I hope you know this is for you.

2009-06-30T22:20:00.002-05:00

twisted up inside of me
are all of these thoughts
you make everything
so confused.

you're a dead end street
a one-way ticket to nowhere
but what if nowhere
is the place i want to be?

i can't think of you
without a smile
but i also can't think of you
without a pang of sadness

more than anything
i want to make sure
you know how much
i care.

how much
we all care.

Life, love, bitterness, etc.

2009-06-09T21:21:00.002-05:00

I'm a little overwhelmed right now. Life has thrown a lot at me. My perfect little safe and secure family bubble has been decidedly blown to pieces. I've just realized that I am terrified of falling in love. At the same time, I'm starting to appreciate just how many friends I have, and just how wonderful my best friends are. I'm losing myself in writing poetry and music. I'm feeling an incredible peace within myself. I've truly learned to take life one day at a time, and not get caught up in worry or stress.

But I'm not gonna break
And I'm not gonna worry about it anymore

2009-06-09T14:36:00.002-05:00

Is it over for good?
Will there be another chance?
Thought of you today and I can't
Get you off my mind
But it's not the first time
There's a corner of my head
And sometimes you just
Move in
And unpack
And stay for a while
And then I think about
Your hands in my hair
Your lips on my face
That stupid evil grin
But most of all
Your eyes
With that fire burning from within
Scorching my very soul

I never felt safer
Than I did in your arms
I never belonged
Anywhere but by your side
And even if I never hold you again
I can smile, because I almost loved you.

not listening when you say goodbye

2009-05-06T11:41:00.003-05:00

How long is a week?
Ten thousand eighty minutes.
One hundred sixty-eight hours.
Seven days.

Not a very long time,
when you consider months,
years,
decades.

But it's long enough.
Long enough
to let down your guard.
Long enough
to fall, and fall hard.
Long enough
for you to break my heart.

Things To Do

2009-02-19T13:41:00.002-06:00

- Ride a motorcycle
- Travel alone
- Visit every continent...yes, even Antarctica.

Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter...

2009-02-18T14:44:00.002-06:00

Oh man, it's sunny and warm again today. I sat on the steps at lunch and I think my face got a little sunburned. I hope so. For some odd reason I think I look cuter when my face is in that stage between a sunburn and a tan. So anyway. It's nice outside and I'm going to enjoy it as much as possible. It just makes me happier that I don't have any homework to do, either. And I just can't get "Here Comes The Sun" by The Beatles out of my head.

La la la! I'm singing a happy song right now, okay? Okay.

Things To Do

2009-02-18T14:33:00.001-06:00

- Go on a real date (I really have never been on one!)
- Live in an apartment with friends
- Meet Joy Clark :D
- Play in an orchestra
- Go to a pub in Ireland
- Go to Ireland in general

The Trip Of A Lifetime

2009-02-18T14:29:00.001-06:00

You're a force of nature
Warm as the sunshine
Wild as a hurricane

Your gravity pulls me in
Closer
Stronger
Spinning
Faster

You're a chemical addiction
Taking me higher
Feeding this fire

You leave me wanting more
Floating
Flying
Slipping
Sliding

And I'm high on your love
Riding farther away
The trip of a lifetime
On the crest of your waves

I've had an idea!

2009-02-17T22:37:00.002-06:00

So I've been thinking, and puzzling, and puzzling, and thinking...about who I want to take to prom. I don't want to go alone, but I don't want to go with someone from school (eww). So...I'll just ask Jason Castro! Hahahahaha. Yep.

My husband/prom date

Things To Do

2009-02-17T10:45:00.002-06:00

- Try sushi
- Sneak backstage at a concert
- Publish something
- Record in a real studio
- Live in a foreign country

Today was, apparently, a good day for blogging.

2009-02-16T22:27:00.001-06:00

This is, what, my fifty millionth entry today? I guess I've got a lot on my mind.

There's a particular someone that I miss, and I have no way of knowing when I'll get to see this person next. I could handle missing him better if I had a date or even a general time frame to work with, but I've got squat. It's kind of killing me. And in spite of it all, I'm still feeling nothing but pure, overwhelming, infectious happiness. I swear I'm going to explode, or maybe just float off in the sunshine, one of these days. Speaking of sunshine, today at lunch they made us sit outside, and it was so sunny, and almost warm when the wind wasn't blowing. I kind of yelled at people that stood in front of me. "Stop shading me! I want the sun ALL OVER ME!" I can't help it that I get seasonal depression and go a little overboard with the enthusiasm when the sun finally decides to come back.

Here comes the sun
And I said,
It's all right

Things To Do

2009-02-16T22:09:00.004-06:00

I've had an idea. I'm starting a list of things I want to do at some point in my life. I'll keep the list on here. Instead of adding on to the same entry, I'll just make new ones as they come to mind. So, they'll be scattered a little bit, but then, so am I.

- Participate in a protest
- Go bra-less for at least a day
- Get dreads
- Rebuild a classic car
- Climb a real mountain
- Quit sodas for an extended period of time
- Skinny dip in the ocean

optimism revisited

2009-02-16T14:47:00.002-06:00

they tell me
anything
than can go wrong
will

but still

i can't be brought down.

i should know better.

i shouldn't let
my
hopes
rise

but i can't be
bothered
to care.

i know
the crash
that could
would
maybe
possibly
probably
follow.

i've been down that road before.

but it's
too
late
now.

i'm in
over
my
head.

you're
worth
it
all.

my least favorite word

2009-02-16T14:41:00.002-06:00

maybe
is the
single
most
painful
word
ever.

we will.
maybe.
someday.
maybe.

what if?
maybe.
will you?
maybe.

maybe
is too
nearsighted
for me.

maybe
dims
the lights
on hope.

maybe
is
my
least
favorite
word.

Oh Valentine's Day

2009-02-15T16:29:00.002-06:00

I spent Valentine's Day evening alone at my house watching cheesy romantic comedies. I ate spaghettios for supper, and followed them up with chocolate that I got from my Daddy. And was I unhappy with this arrangement? Absolutely not! In the last few months I've really experienced some personal growth, or whatever you want to call it, and I've started to enjoy time I get to spend by myself. I don't feel lonely, because I know there are always people there for me. I'm not worried about finding someone to have a relationship with, because I figure if it's supposed to happen, then it will happen when it's supposed to happen. Okay, that was a little confusing. But anyway, I had a nice Valentine's Day even though I didn't spend it with anyone.

lovelovelove

2009-02-15T16:15:00.003-06:00

love is
bare feet green grass

love is
early spring smell sound

love is
blue sky sun shine

love is
look smile touch kiss

love is
silent whisper spoken scream

love is
ocean big snowflake small

love is
within without around about

love is
all yours all mine

I am, I am not

2009-02-13T14:57:00.002-06:00

I am
Strong
I am not
Flawless

I am
Smart
I am not
All-knowing

I am
Honest
I am not
A bitch

I am
Nice
I am not
A doormat

I am
Talented
I am not
A showoff

I am
Feminine
I am not
Always girly

I am
A hard worker
I am not
Boring

I am
Talkative
I am not
Obnoxious

I am
Argumenative
I am not
Always right

I am
Myself
I am not
Anything more, anything less

Unlucky? I think not.

2009-02-13T14:38:00.002-06:00

It's Friday the 13th. I was in a mood last night, sorry. I wanted to cry or throw a temper tantrum, and a particular friend told me to "do it". I didn't, though. I just wrote a whiny blog instead.

Today, however, I'm feeling nicer. Maybe because it still feels and sounds and smells like early spring outside. Maybe it's because I'm listening to The Wombats right now, and they always make me feel better. Maybe it's because I might possibly be going to the movies tonight with some friends. Maybe it's just because it's Friday.

I don't know. And honestly, I don't care. I'm just feeling happier, and that's all that matters to me.

So, Happy Friday the 13th. I know mine has been so far.

Lessons learned.

2009-02-12T22:06:00.002-06:00

Always be there for your friends. Especially if you have more than one best friend. Because, maybe you started out being best friends with one person. And then you gained another best friend, and another. And then, maybe you don't put as much effort into your friendships as you should. You're a little too self-absorbed, and you don't notice things going on with their lives. And then, before you know it, the person you were best friends with in the first place and one of the others are best best friends. Like, doing things just with each other and leaving out the other two, however unintentionally. Some of us miss those old days when it was okay to have three best friends and when there weren't excuses to keep us split up in these little groups of two.

who says

2009-02-06T14:40:00.003-06:00

who says
poems have to rhyme?
who says
love is a waste of time?
who says
your name decides your fate?
who says
true love doesn't wait?
who says
life can't be enjoyed?
who says
loss will only destroy?
who says
love is just a feeling?
who says
wealth is so appealing?
who says
two people just won't last?
who says
you have to regret your past?
who says
your life is worthless?
who says
you have no purpose?

Birthdays and good poems.

2009-02-04T14:41:00.003-06:00

I love giving birthday presents. Especially when you start with one simple gift, and it kind of keeps growing. It's just so fun.

Today we read a poem in English that I now consider my favorite poem of all time. It's called "somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond" by e.e. cummings.

somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond
any experience, your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully, mysteriously) her first rose

or if your wish be to close me, i and
my life will shut very beautifully, suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;

nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility: whose texture
compels me with the colour of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens; only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands

- e.e. cummings

'I'm just not sure what I'm doing anymore.'

2009-02-01T23:36:00.000-06:00

Should have known it was too good to be true. At least I have reason to hope for the future. Optimistic little me.

just inhale

2009-01-28T20:44:00.004-06:00

close your eyes
open your mind
leave yourself
far behind

breathe it in
fill your lungs
savor this
on your tongue

heart is open
head is light
let it go
give up the fight

there you go
spinning away
forget the night,
forget the day

ease your pain
take it slow
take my hand
come on, let's go

ripped and burning

2009-01-27T22:32:00.003-06:00

I feel like my heart is ripped into pieces. Not hurt; just torn by circumstances. I have all these conflicting feelings brewing underneath a constant, irrepressible, overwhelming giddiness. No matter how many times I try to talk sense into myself, the happiness wins out and I'm left sitting here grinning like an idiot. I worry, I obsess, I fantasize, I remember, I suffer from terrible anxiety and insecurity. I'm an emotional whirlwind, and I kind of love it. I get nauseous, my palms sweat, my heart races, and I have no appetite.

It's so fun.

they might as well be my secrets

2009-01-27T22:24:00.003-06:00

pastpresentfuture

2009-01-26T15:34:00.003-06:00

it's been a while
i don't know what to expect
is it the same?
or not?

and then,
there you were

our eyes met
and yours,
yours were burning,
smoldering like embers
and i knew
it wasn't the same

it was better

there was more
than i ever knew
we would have
it's such a rush
and i'm not sure
where this will go

but
i
don't
really
care

because it's here now
and who needs tomorrow
or yesterday?

this is right here
in our grasp
don't let it
slip through your hands

don't let me
slip through your fingers

little miss can't be wrong

2009-01-14T15:00:00.002-06:00

I've just made a soundtrack to my life. Well, a part of my life. I rather enjoy it, and I may post it sometime. :D

EDIT: Here is said playlist. The songs are, of course, significant, but so is the order. I may rearrange it now and then, though.

soundtrack

i am the rain king

2009-01-13T15:03:00.000-06:00

I give up on trying to run my life. From now on, I'm taking things as they come. I'm just along for the ride, you know? I have family and friends that I love, and I know they love me. I really have everything I need right at my fingertips. Why stress, why worry? Nothing's going to fall apart, and even if it does, I'm tough. Love is strong, and love is something that I have plenty of in my life. I'm fortunate enough to know that there are people that will always be there for me, even when I'm a total wreck.

And, there's probably nothing cooler in the world than free pianos.

jason castro.

2008-12-25T23:40:00.002-06:00

= love ♥

today is good.

2008-12-10T12:58:00.002-06:00

finished math homework. chemistry test wasn't as hard as i thought it would be, and neither was the history one. found out notecards for research paper (which i left at home) did not have to be done today.

ahh. relief.

let's see how far we've come

2008-12-08T14:45:00.002-06:00

i've been reading my old posts, and it's almost a shock for me to see how far i've come in the space of about a year. i was down so far i couldn't even see any way out. i never believed it before, but time really does heal all wounds. i have to say, i wouldn't trade my time with him for the world. but now i know that if i just survive through the heartache, life really does get better.

the sky is burning

2008-12-05T23:58:00.002-06:00

one day, my love

2008-11-28T11:20:00.002-06:00

one day, my love
we'll figure it out
forget all about
these troubles we have

someday, my dear
i'll hold you so tight
forever, each night
together we'll be

soon, love, i hope
the distance will fade
but please, darling, wait
please wait for me?

use me

2008-11-20T14:05:00.002-06:00

use me, abuse me
take advantage of me
i want your love
even if it's fake

i'll give my best, you'll give what's left
i won't ask for more
let me in your bed
i'll let you in my heart

lie to me, lie with me
whisper in my ear
don't lead me into temptation
i'll dive in headfirst

selling yearbook ads

2008-10-09T08:48:00.000-05:00

is not the most fun thing in the world. good thing my phone has internet so I can post a blog about it. :P

2008-10-06T14:44:00.005-05:00

where the streets have no name

2008-10-04T21:16:00.004-05:00

i really love this song. something about it stirs up a strange passion in me; a longing to be free and fearless and take risks and live like there's no tomorrow. it's a wistful feeling. i feel almost like time is going so fast and i'm running out of it. like maybe i'm growing up a little too fast for my liking.

i want to get in my truck and just take off. with nowhere particular in mind. just going where the wind blows me.

and all this from a song.

sometimes i pray for a slap in the face

2008-10-02T19:50:00.001-05:00

then i beg to be spared cause i'm a coward

i suck.

2008-10-02T19:33:00.003-05:00

i feel like total crap right now. there's this friend of mine, and i have treated her like crap. of course not intentionally, but that doesn't make it any better. and right now i am such a crappy person that i can't even bring myself to call her or even text her and apologize. but i really am sorry. and you know who you are, and maybe you'll read this. i hope so. because you are amazing and wonderful and beautiful, and i wish i was half as good as you at writing.
and i didn't ask, but only because i don't like to stress my parents out...i feel like they're under enough as it is. so in my quest to keep everyone happy, i hurt one of the most important people in my life.

i'm sorry paige. please forgive me.

fall

2008-09-30T16:45:00.002-05:00

tomorrow is the first day of october. i like october; it's possibly my favorite month of the year. october is when fall arrives, and fall is possibly my favorite season. october is when basketball season starts, which really makes no difference to me, but it's true. halloween is (barely) in october.

october is, in general, a nice month.

october

2008-09-30T16:19:00.003-05:00

streams of sunlight
immerse me in warmth
when the sun sinks
breath clouds will form

currents of cool
float in the breeze
tingling the nose
time for long sleeves

forests set ablaze
an inferno of hues
orange, yellow, red
beneath heaven blue

the man in the moon
sheds his pale light
through the crisp air
each electric night

here goes

2008-09-28T22:03:00.002-05:00

i'm trying something here. i'm just going to write...whatever comes to mind. and hopefully come up with something worth posting.

tears
fall
down my face
but it's okay
they're tears of joy
i'm overwhelmed
my heart is huge
i couldn't bear to lose
this moment
with you
we say it in turns:
'i do.'
'i do.'
sparks are flying
as we seal it with a kiss
and i know that this
maybe,
possibly,
probably,
is the best moment of my life.

so i have no idea how it went to being about a wedding...considering i've never gotten married. haha.

peter pan

2008-09-26T14:57:00.003-05:00

i don't want to grow up
it's no fun
let's just play in the sun
take my hand, we'll run

away from this life
of work and rules
they call us fools
we'll just follow the pull

of the moon, like the tide
following our hearts
bring light to the dark
they've all missed the mark

life is good

2008-09-03T16:23:00.001-05:00

real good :)

i have some of the best friends in the world.

music must be magical.

2008-08-16T11:24:00.000-05:00

it's amazing the way music can heal you.

i've had one of the best summers of my life. i didn't really go anywhere particularly exciting (okay, so mfuge nashville and myrtle beach were AWESOME), and i worked my tail off every weekday all summer. i bought a guitar with my own money and i've been writing and playing all the time since. i get some kind of peace from it, like it's what i'm supposed to be doing.

i started this summer a complete mess. my heart was still pretty bruised, if not still broken. i didn't really know myself anymore, because i had been so busy concentrating on someone else for nearly two and a half years. i had a lot of things all thrown at me at once just before school got out and i was pretty overwhelmed.

letting go of everything works wonders for a weary soul.

the hardest part, is letting go, not taking part

being invisible isn't all it's cracked up to be

2008-04-21T22:30:00.000-05:00

don't pretend it isn't true
i don't matter to any of you
you come with your problems
you want me to solve them
i'm nothing more than a shoulder to cry on,
a sturdy support to lie on

but when your life is going good
everything as it should
i try to be your friend
and don't you dare pretend
that you even care at all
i'm invisible to you, until you fall

don't take this the wrong way,
cause you know i'm here to stay
i care more than i ought
i get myself hurt a lot
and no matter how invisible i feel
i'm here for you, solid and real

giving up

2008-04-21T22:29:00.000-05:00

i'm giving up
it's not worth it
i don't want to hurt anymore

you're so happy
with the way things are
i won't let it break my heart

and the sad part is
you never knew
everything that i saw in you

and i still do
you're embedded in my brain
but you'll never feel the same,
no, you'll never feel the same

thoughts

2008-04-16T16:20:00.001-05:00

you don't know, do you?
you don't see me at all
and every day i can't help
but see you

i see your face
across a crowded hallway
i hear your voice
above the jumbled din

i'll admit, this feeling,
growing and changing,
caught me off guard
i didn't expect to be
so swept off my feet
not by you
and i don't know what to do

you're growing on me
more and more every day
i'm trying my best
to not be obsessed
and you don't even know

i'm in love

2008-01-27T14:31:00.000-06:00

and i won't stop.

sorry.

it's just not possible...not when you've let someone take over your heart like this.

another poem.

2008-01-16T08:10:00.000-06:00

i won't always be perfect,
but i will always be here.
i won't always be nice,
but i will always care.
i won't always be what you want,
but i promise i'll be what you need.
i won't always be the best,
but i'll always be nothing but me.
i won't always know all the answers,
but i will know that one thing is true.
i won't ever lose this feeling,
i'll always be in love with you.

a little something...

2008-01-15T16:24:00.000-06:00

i'm in a sea of people
following you through the crowd
you're always a few steps ahead
others are reaching for me
their voices are so loud
and you keep on moving ahead
i keep my eyes on you
for your hand i'm reaching
but you're even farther ahead
i'm running and tripping
i'm breaking and bleeding
still you just keep moving ahead
i dream of you stopping
and turning and seeing
coming to me from ahead
you'd carefully lift me
you'd hold me and kiss me
together we'd go on ahead
but that's just me dreaming
cause you're never stopping
you're always just moving ahead

late nights.

2008-01-05T00:01:00.000-06:00

late nights go well with classic rock, a cold glass of dr. pepper, and a good croissant.

just so you know, if you're ever suffering from a bout of insomnia.

free internet

2007-11-20T10:47:00.001-06:00

i love the library.

you can come in, sit down at an open computer, and it costs you nothing to use the internet.

fast internet, too.

oh the simple things that make me happy.

i really am dreaming with a broken heart now

2007-11-11T15:01:00.000-06:00

the funny thing about breaking up with someone that you've been with for a long time is that you're so used to that person, every little thing holds them for you. there's no song you can hear that doesn't remind you of some insignificant little time with him. no book you can read and not compare him to the hero. and even when you know it's over, you keep forgetting. accidentally calling him "hon" or "darling" when you talk to him. forgetting that you're not supposed to say i love you anymore. even though you do love him. more than ever, maybe. and maybe it's even worse when it's not an explosive breakup, when you just decide to be friends. and you do well at it. so well, in fact, that you get painful questions. "didn't you guys break up?" and then the pain is back. and it's a terrible thing that you don't want the pain to go away, because that means he's still in your heart, and you know that once you let go of the pain, you're letting go of him. and you're just not ready for that. you don't even want to be ready for that. why let go of the best thing that ever happened to you? aren't you supposed to hold onto those kinds of things? i guess that only applies when they're holding on right back.